5 Steps To Forgive Your First Love

Hello mamas & papos! It’s a beautiful day here in the state of New Jersey and I hope it’s as - or more - beautiful where you are.

I woke up this morning with such a grateful heart, that as I sat here in my quiet, clean and peaceful condo while drinking my coffee,  I decided to finally open up and kick off this blog I’ve been dreaming about for such a long time.

If you listen to my podcast or are a close friend of mine you already know that I’m on a self-improvement journey. You see, for someone like me, it is very hard to express the way I’m feeling inside, like deep inside. It wasn’t until I faced my fear of losing my father, that I was able to truly enjoy myself, like a kid, again. Now, let me be clear my father is not dead, he is very alive, we just don’t have a relationship anymore, and this was entirely my choice.

This was not an easy decision but similar to ending a toxic romantic relationship it didn’t happen overnight. It took me many many years - 30 years to be exact - to make this decision. A decision that so for so many is impossible to make, and those who take the step, do it out of anger and hurt feelings, which ends up being more detrimental than healing.

I remember that day as if it happened yesterday. My father called me after months of not hearing from him, once again asking for money. Every time he would call asking for something, a part of my love for him died, but a small part of me was excited because I knew he was okay and he still “remembered” me. Important to point out that at this point in my life, I was healing from a previously toxic romantic relationship, which pushed me to learn about myself and find ways to heal so that I didn’t fuck up my next relationship.

So, on that day, the last time we talked, a little voice was in my head whispering “ in order for you to become the person you wish to become you have to let him go”. I knew at that moment that my soul, intuition whatever you want to name it, was finally speaking directly to me and I needed to listen and listen carefully.

It’s funny how some decisions are so easy to make when they come from a place of love and internal peace. I used to get so angry with him and myself every time he reached out drunk, asking for money, complaining, and not once asking how I was. If he did ask how I was doing, the call lasted five minutes at most.

But this time it was different, I had no sadness or anger left in me, I just had a deep love for myself and was extremely hopeful for my future. So I let him speak, and as he was speaking I remember sending him a huge hug and kiss without speaking a word. Finally admitting to myself that I loved him so much, but I had to love myself more, so this was our goodbye, again without saying a word, that was the last time I spoke to my father.

Now you may be wondering, okay Nat what does this have to do with me? It has everything to do with you because I’m not the first or last person to have daddy/mommy issues or have been hurt by someone close. I feel that there are so many of you out there, angry at the world because you can’t let go of that person in the right way or can’t admit to yourself how much you love them and accept that they have so much power over you and that they have molded you into the person you are today.

You are not alone! I know firsthand what it feels like to beg for love, trying to change someone that will never change unless they decide to change on their own. I also know how hurtful and exhausting it can be to try so hard, and see that the relationship never changed and now this is robbing you of living your best life.

That’s why I want to share these 5 steps to not only let go of that toxic person in your life but also to truly forgive them.

STEP 1: Learn To Know Yourself Better

First things first you can’t forgive someone if you don’t know yourself. This is the most important step. For me, reading was life-changing. Start to get curious about self-help books. Don’t like to read? No problem, there are so many self-help podcasts out there you can listen to, like Mama RelaXx, that will help you navigate different ways that work for your healing process.

Learning to know yourself is not a one-size fits all kind of thing. So there will be a lot of trial and error. That’s why I recommend you read different types of books and podcasts.

STEP 2: Sit With Your Feelings

In order to get over something, you have to go through it. It will not be easy, it’s going to hurt a lot, but it will be so worth it. Nothing good comes out of repressing our feelings. I say this all the time on my podcast and it's the basis of everything I do, try it and see how your life changes.

Meditation is a great way to face your emotions. Cry it out, scream, and do whatever you need to do so that you can embrace the hurt, sadness, and anger fully. Try not to judge anything that comes up, instead try to accept those feelings just as they are. Remember having emotions is a great reminder of being alive, and what an amazing gift that is.

STEP 3: Trust Your Intuition

We all have a little voice inside of us telling us what direction we should take, we just decide to ignore it because most of the time what we need to do for ourselves is so freaking hard. If you’re having a hard time listening to that little voice in your head, I recommend making a list of pros and cons about what that person brings into your life.

Once you are done with your list, see if it is necessary to remove the person completely from your life or if it’s okay to keep them in your life but fully accept them just as they are. So much so that if they do something that used to trigger you, it won’t have the same effect anymore. You won’t be disappointed one day in your life if you already know what to accept.

STEP 4: Stop Caring About What Others Think

This step is one of the hardest. When I made my decision, my mom didn’t take it well, even though she is not a fan of my father - they’ve been divorced for over 20 years - she still had this idea“this is your father, how are you just going to write him off of your life”.

My relationship with my mom is so sacred, that of course I felt a certain way about it. But I was so sure of myself, that I asked her to respect my decision because I had a mission, and that mission was to break the family generational trauma. My life has changed for the better ever since I let him go, and she sees it. It wasn’t long ago when she openly admitted that it was the best thing I could do for myself.

You will have the same outcome, as long as you trust yourself and your decision. Once you make that decision don’t let others’ opinions change your mind. At this stage, you should know yourself well enough to stand by it and know that it only needs to serve you and no one else.

STEP 5: Send That Person So Much Love, As Often As You Can

Something that I do a lot, is sending my father hugs and kisses from afar without communicating with him. I know in my heart that he loves me, but doesn’t know how to love me. You see it’s so hard to love others when you don’t know how to love yourself.

Having all this love and kindness living within you makes all the difference, not only in your life but it might start shifting theirs, without either of you realizing, and that gives me so much peace and I hope it does the same for you.

Before I close this off, I want to remind every single one of you reading this, that we are all fucked up in some way, shape, or form. There is no escaping it.

If you have been hurt whether that is by a parent or a first romantic love, know that it had nothing to do with you and everything to do with them and their own traumas. The more we learn to have that compassion for others knowing that they are fighting their own demons, it will help us make the right decisions in our lives, so that we can live our best lives without any guilt.

Forgiving someone is the only way to move forward in all aspects of your life. I hope you find the peace, you are so deeply looking for.